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Moving Toward Contentment (Guest Post)

July 18, 2014 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

Today’s guest post comes from a local friend and writer, Leah Dunham. She is sharing her all too common story of her postpartum period. Thanks Leah, for the courage to tell your story.

3688781_sAs a child I often imagined myself as a capable mother.  My sister and I played “house” with our cabbage patch dolls for days, sometimes even weeks, on end.  At one point, we asked my mother if she could build an addition on our house linking our bedrooms with a series of customized spaces for each of our eight baby dolls!   Pretty ridiculous.  Imagining our babies’ complicated lives and caring for them was so much fun – effortless even!

And while I had learned a thing or two by the time I birthed my first child – primarily that childrearing would not be effortless; real challenges come with real expectations – I was in no way prepared for the series of unexpected events that would unfold following my son’s birth.  And, if I’m being completely honest, I am still, two and a half years later, working to recover from the depressing storm that overtook much of my first postpartum experience.

In a nutshell, I quickly realized that my beautiful baby had bile stones accumulating in his liver.  For two weeks during month two, I was convinced that he would die due to liver complications or end up at the bottom of a long transplant list.  Throughout this stressful time he was literally sucking the calories right out of me, unable to digest the fat from my milk, nursing sometimes twenty times a day and blowing out his diaper ten or more.  I was exhausted and having a tremendous amount of difficulty recovering from both a long labor and an emergency c-section.  But, even so, I was too scared to sleep, afraid I might miss a wakeful opportunity to help my ailing son.

After an unimaginable month, my son underwent a procedure at Boston Children’s Hospital that alleviated these fears and helped both he and I begin a journey toward recovery.  In the months that followed I would struggle with new waves of self-doubt, fatigue, and depression.  I couldn’t shake the feeling that I might wake up to find him incredibly ill again, or my new knowledge that some unanticipated event might completely consume my personhood.  I had been forced into a position of selflessness: my degrees, career, and previous accomplishments seemed useless.  Nonetheless, ambition still burned.  It reemerged as a demon that haunted my deepest sleep.  Would I ever feel healthy, energetic, or ambitious again?  What about my career?  Could I be content, not with my baby, but with my former creative and industrious self?

I suspect that these questions might resonate with other mothers because it doesn’t take a health scare to feel like motherhood can be all consuming.  I began to envy other people’s lives because they seemed to have so much more time and energy to pursue their goals.  If only I had a less stressful job or a more functional kitchen, life wouldn’t feel so difficult. I thought that these missing things might make me feel better but really I’d lost touch with my emotional needs.  I hadn’t set aside time to reevaluate my priorities and expectations as a new mom.

After having a second child, I decided I owe it to my kids to reconnect with a certain level of personal contentment.  I don’t want bitterness or regret to swallow opportunities to enjoy time with my family.  So I started journaling, setting aside time to write about my dreams, my health, and my regrets.

What I’ve learned seems far from revolutionary.  Yet, some days my outlook feels so improved that I know a small revolution has taken hold.  Most of this feeling stems from the simple re-realization that contentment is not something I can find or achieve.

It is easy in our culture to assume that other people have it better or that our own lives will improve with just one more raise, one more successful project, or one more thing.  The somewhat frightening reality is that nothing we do or acquire today can guarantee contentment tomorrow.  This may be more apparent to new mothers because childrens’ needs often throw their plans entirely off track. During this time it is especially important to enjoy the moment while it lasts.

I’ve personally found that my requirements for a content moment are pretty simple.  I need something creative to do, something to look forward to, and supportive relationships.   Even so, maintaining contentment can be difficult.  I have to constantly remind myself that being present takes practice.  I have to actively ignore cultural messages that encourage human beings to want something more or better.

Two messages prolonged my ability to overcome depression following my initial pregnancy.  They reemerged in my thought process over and over again.

The first has probably been engrained since childhood:  a message that I must do something big or original to be successful.  I cannot count how many times an adult told me, as a child, that I would do great things someday.  Similarly many adults told me that they hoped I would be truly happy as though a state of true-forever happiness actually exists.  Few people encouraged me to be happy in the now.  Few people wondered if I’d already found some level of contentment.  Admittedly, I’ve often put pressure on myself to find or discover these elusive permanent states only to wind up feeling bad when I’ve been unable to do so.  I don’t want to share this message with my kids.  I don’t want them to feel that they need to be discovered or do anything particularly big to acquire self-worth.

The other confusing message that took root during my pregnancy, despite active attempts to ignore it, was the idea that new moms don’t need to let their babies interfere with their social lives, love lives, body type, or professional goals.  Parenting magazines spell out how you can get your body back, your time back, and your career back in a matter of weeks!  The reality, however, is that, even if your baby is healthy, these things will change.  Furthermore, your dream for yourself may morph into something entirely different as circumstances demand you to reimagine contentment as a daily opportunity rather than an evasive end-goal.

It is both unexpected and ironic that my own dreams have shifted from an expectation that I must do something grand to an acknowledgment that I am happiest doing many small, but different things throughout my day – things I’ve enjoyed almost everyday since I was four:  playing house, being a non-specialized homebody, cooking for my babies, gardening, and setting aside a few minutes to journal out a song, a poem, or a vision.  I will likely never be romantic-comedy happy; there will always be day-to-day chores, annoyances, and frustrations.  But I can be content with what I have and okay knowing that positive and negative feelings won’t last forever.  In fact, it’s been a huge relief to let go of my fruitless and incredibly frustrating search for a permanent state of mind that doesn’t exist!  In the process, I’ve learned to appreciate more opportunities for happiness and have become more open to relinquishing control over the future.

Leah Dunham is a mother and public school teacher.  She has published poems in the Oneota Review and the Valley Voice. She is also the coauthor of America’s Two-Headed Pig, a book about animal health and nutrient deficiencies.  To read more about this project visit http://www.americastwoheadedpig.com

Copyright: oxygen64 / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Life Choices, Motherhood, Passionate Lifestyle, Relationships & Parenting, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health) Tagged With: Authentic Self, depression, Emotional Health, home, Motherhood, postpartum care, postpartum depression, Postpartum health, pregnancy, Self-care, women's health

Finding Your Purpose and Your Passion in Your Career (Guest Post)

June 6, 2014 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

Today’s guest writer Amanda Kingsley is a local birth advocate, doula, and birth photographer who recently jumped ship to a new career. Seeing her thriving in her new job I knew she had to write a guest post about the process and where she ended up. Here you have it.

I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life. Many of them have brought me a lot of joy and a lot of reward; all of them have molded me into the woman I am proud to be today. The business I started three months ago is the start of a lifelong career in changing lives. This work is about deepening the human experience and the global vision of health and wellness. In fact, it’s work that I can barely call work, because it is more of a lifestyle with benefits than a job.

We live in a time for money culture, and most of us are drowning in debt and fear and outright dread when Monday morning rolls around. I’d like to see that change. I’d like to see the global consciousness evolve to a place where we all live out our passions and our purpose, and are in turn rewarded financially for our contributions. I’d like to see the distribution of wealth spread into the hands of the people who support their communities, and fund causes that improve the quality of life for every living breathing thing on this planet. I believe that with conscious consideration each of us can have a career that fills both our soul and our pocketbook.

Who will do the “dirty work” you ask? My answer is that there is no “dirty work.” There are two reasons I believe this. The first reason is simple, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. It’s not about what the work is; it’s about how we as a society compensate each other for the work. A school janitor can live a full and happy life just as easily as a stock trader. Ideally both can have everything they desire in life, if they are treated with respect by all of us. The second reason is that many jobs are not landing points, but stepping stones to a next destination. I do not believe I could be as fully embraced and rewarded in this new career if I had not spent years of my life in other jobs that made me who I am today. Among other things washing dishes, waiting tables, running a daycare, and owning a doula and photography business were all stepping stones to get me here. I have learned vital lessons from each of these experiences.

When my current profession was presented to me, I made a judgment. I thought to myself, “No way, not for me.” I almost closed the door without even peering through, but I took a risk and opened my eyes, my ears, and my heart to the opportunity. It was the best decision I have made in my life so far (yes I know marriage and kids are amazing, but this has been about personal growth). In three short months I have learned countless tools to shed fears, build confidence, dream big, and re-program my mind to better serve myself and the world. I look back and think to myself, “What if I had said no; where would I be today?” and “What if I had said yes and then sat patiently waiting for something to happen rather than embracing my decision and acting in a big, bold way?” I think I know the answers; one makes me shutter, one makes me sad.

If you care to take some advice from a mama entrepreneur, my suggestion is to never say no. From this day forward change all your nos to maybes. Live your life in the present moment. If you love your job, go ahead and love it more. If you aren’t so sure, try this: pretend you love it, fake it until you make it or until you know it’s not where you need to be. If you know you are in the wrong job, start peeking, put out your feelers and say yes to all of your opportunities until you find the one that feeds your soul. Remember that when we find work that feeds our soul, we live our life with a purpose that no one can take from us. It doesn’t mean there are never hard days; it means that the reward of rising above the hurdles is always worth it. Your career should enhance your personal life, and vice versa.

Let this be your day one. I challenge you to find a lifestyle with benefits, not a job with a paycheck.

Amanda Kingsley is a mama of three in the hills of Shelburne Falls. She has a passion for life and growth and adventure, and is not afraid of hard work or naysayers. She recently started her business working with an international medicinal mushroom company. Follow her business story at https://www.facebook.com/feelingthefungi
 

Copyright: landysh / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: Health & Wellness, Life Choices, Motherhood, Passionate Lifestyle Tagged With: career, job search, Motherhood, parenting, passion

Postpartum Helper’s List: Chores To Support The New Family

May 8, 2014 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

9550946_sThis blog post is a list that was circulating in my prenatal yoga class and I thought the concept was worth sharing on my blog. It is the personal list of expecting mama, Beth Pellettieri, that was prepared for her visiting family and friends when they arrive after her second baby is born. She wanted them to feel empowered and prepared to help without bothering her for all the necessary information. Completely Brilliant! If you are expecting soon, what activities would be on your list?

Activities and Chores

Things that can always be done…

  • Sweeping the downstairs. (And, A has a little broom, so she can “help.”)
  • Vacuuming upstairs (when A is out, or if someone sits with her)
  • Laundry ****Don’t Dry: S’s pants; S’s medium shirts–Always OK to Dry: S’s large shirts; all of A’s clothes; most of B’s clothes (but she’s more inconsistent, so ask if you have any questions).****
  • I’ll even add cleaning the bathroom, but don’t tell me if you’re going to do it because then I’ll be embarrassed.
  • Cook and freeze meals. And, then do the dishes. 😉

A couple side projects…

  • Anchor the red bookcase
  • Change storm door windows to screens!
  • Boil pacifiers and bottles (if I can find them..)

Running Grocery List (Things to always stock if we’re out…)

  • Milk (1%)
  • Cheese (Parm, sharp Cheddar, Mozzarella — feel free to get others, but those are A’s favorites)
  • Juice (Apple, OJ-no or low pulp)
  • Seltzer
  • Beer
  • Ice cream (especially popsicles/ice cream bars — B likes fruit; S likes chocolate, coffee, caramel)
  • Coffee
  • Bread (oatmeal, whole wheat)
  • Big regular yogurt (nonfat, vanilla)
  • Little yogurt for A (blueberry, mango — not with fruit on the bottom)
  • Pasta
  • Pasta sauce (lower sodium options)
  • Diced tomatoes in a can (no sodium)
  • Whole grain (when possible) goldfish; animal crackers; etc.
  • Some kind of fruit
  • Easy fresh veggies to cook — A likes broccoli, cauliflower and asparagus best.
  • Oatmeal
  • Peanut butter
  • Jam
  • Frozen pizza (veggie or cheese)
  • Amy’s frozen: mac and cheese; broccoli pot pie
  • Paper towels
  • Toilet paper

Places to go (if we need some family time…)

  1. Smith College Art Museum (http://www.smith.edu/artmuseum/) & Botanical Gardens (http://www.smith.edu/garden/). There’s also a nice path along Mill River.
  2. Emily Dickinson Museum (https://www.emilydickinsonmuseum.org)
  3. Hiking: Mt. Tom; Arcadia State Park

Beth Pellettieri is a stay at home mom (expecting #2 this month), certified birth doula, and board member with Empty Arms Bereavement Support. She’s also a grateful participant of Courtney’s Friday prenatal yoga classes at the Hampshire Regional YMCA.

Copyright: anyka / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: Motherhood, Relationships & Parenting, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health), Women's Health Tagged With: asking for help, birth, kindness, postpartum care, recovery, relationships, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health)

10 Things I Learned About Asking for Help And Giving It

April 24, 2014 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

I am writing this blog post after two of the sickest weeks I’ve experienced in my life. It came out of nowhere and wouldn’t let up.  It may sound silly that a little sickness could wreck a household for more than 2 weeks, but it has. As with most people, when I need the most help I am not very articulate and not very good at brainstorming exactly what it is I need. This experience has taught me that people can’t see into my life and know to help out. They need to be called upon and clued in to how bad the situation is in order to be of service.

Over two weeks ago I found myself coming down with a funny headache. Within an hour it felt like my body was on fire and every inch of skin ached. I felt irrational, terrified and on the verge of something awful. It turned into a ferocious stomach flu that lasted for a week. Each night I would be up every half hour sick, delirious and on the verge of fainting. Days were spent hunched over and exhausted from the dangerous level of dehydration. Today almost 20 days later I am still experiencing the side effects of that much digestive trauma. Even food poisoning in Mexico was nothing compared to this stomach flu. But what made this sickness all the more exciting is right around day 8, when I could finally keep small amounts of food down, my husband started in with a sore throat.

When my husband gets sick it is like living in a nightmare as his strong constitution waves up and his body goes to war. He gets fevers to burn the sickness off, but he feels chilled. So the thermometer says 102.6 degrees, but he is shivering beneath all the blankets and sweating through the sheets. In a four-year-old child this would seem reasonable, but in an adult man it always feels a few hours away from death. Even with high doses of fever reducer and all the Chinese Medicine I can get him to take, it takes hours for the fever to fall. In the meantime he drenches through clothing, numerous sets of sheets and all our towels.

So on day 8 when I was barely standing and still being squeezed by dehydration cramping and exhaustion, I was up all night changing sheets in the dark, sponging down a clammy body and counting hours between doses of Advil. Two nights of not sleeping set back both of our recoveries and left us in a house with no food and no one strong enough to cook, grocery shop or fetch medicine.

We are so thankful to both sets of parents who grocery shopped, cooked meals, traveled to see us during our sickness, supervised me when I was too weak to be home alone and called and emailed daily to check in on our recoveries. We are so thankful to friends who called, emailed and offered support in little ways during the sickness. But the biggest take away from this experience is how much more help we needed and how alone and desperate we felt.

This blog post is what we learned about how to ask for help and how we plan to give help in the future.

5 Tips for the Person Asking

  1. Tell people everything that is going on at home. Friends and family can’t support you if they don’t know what is going on and how bad it really is. Be as honest as possible about ailments, issues or events so that your support group understands there is a need to step up and help.
  2. Make specific requests and state what basic need that friend is supporting for you by fulfilling that action. Whatever your request, provide as much helpful information so your friend can complete the task. Asking someone to grocery shop for you is too demanding, but emailing a friend a list of ten crucial items is a reasonable, manageable and specific request. If that friend knows the full magnitude of the situation they will figure out a way to be of service.
  3. Have confidence that asking for help is a gift, most people like to feel needed and helpful. Flip the tables and imagine yourself being asked to complete this task by a friend. Would you shy away or be thrilled to be able to help? Being helpful reveals that you are in the inner circle of intimates. It also reveals that your friends think you are reliable. Asking for help builds relationships and strengthens bonds.
  4. Be true to yourself and to your recovery. Recovery is a dangerous, vulnerable process. One wrong move could set you back three or four days. Weigh the consequences of you not asking for help, does it actually end up inconveniencing more people in the long run.
  5. Understand your loved ones are human. It is in moments of need when we discover the width and reach of our support networks. If you reach out in a crisis and those you depend upon are really incapable of helping, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It simply means they are human. This is opportunity to negotiate and see if there is any other way they can be helpful or show their support.

5 Tips for Those Being Asked To Help

  1. Never assume that what is happening on the surface is the whole issue: Our society isn’t big on asking for help. When someone shows their vulnerability and actually makes a request, remember that the information they are giving you is probably about a third of the actual issue. It is impossible and pointless to convey the other low level stressors that make any crisis more complicated. So those being asked for assistance never have the full understanding of how difficult life is at the moment.
  2. If you need to say “No” do it over the phone, not email, and be prepared with ideas to offer something else. Life happens, don’t beat yourself up about it. But be gentle and personal with your refusal. Don’t make it about you, but be ready with other simple ways you can help out so that your friend feels supported. Support is fluid and changeable, but hearing “no” at the wrong time can have lasting effects.
  3. One phone call is worth fifteen emails. If you are worried you shouldn’t, email as frequently as possible. In this day of caller ID and voicemail there is no reason not to call and show your concern, but we still fall back on this old excuse. If you only have five minutes say so up front if they answer, but then remind them they are a high priority for you right now. The person in need will feel more loved because you squeezed them in during your busy day.
  4. Food is love. There is no crisis that exists that wouldn’t benefit from food. Cookies, a few random groceries left on the porch, a cooked meal, an invite for dinner, a request for a grocery list when heading to town, etc. Cooking and grocery shopping are the last things anyone is capable of thinking about in a crisis or when they are sick. It doesn’t have to be homemade, it just needs to offer joy or nutrition.
  5. Your time and company might be exactly what is needed or not wanted at all. Ask, don’t assume! Everyone handles illness, emotions and a crisis in different ways. Some people want tons of attention and company, others want to be left alone. Don’t assume if you have known someone for ages that you know how they will react to a situation. We are beings constantly in flux and as a situation unfolds our needs change again and again and again.

Image credit: csuzda / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Health & Wellness, Life Choices, Mind/Body Connection, Passionate Lifestyle, Relationships & Parenting, Stress & Trauma, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health) Tagged With: asking for help, common cold, complaining, depression, Emotional Health, mental health, Self-care, sickness, Stress & Trauma, struggle, Wellness

Mamapreneur (Guest Post)

February 18, 2014 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

This is a guest post from one of the amazing owners of Simple Diaper & Linen. She is not only a successful businesswoman and mother, she is also one of the dynamic, strengthening forces in Holyoke! Her diaper service is green, local and mother-owned!

I started my business because I wanted to stay at home with my small children while they were young. The idea of putting them in full time care and the cost to go along with it all seemed less than ideal in the sweet few months postpartum. Well, actually, they weren’t all that sweet, as I struggled with postpartum depression, feelings of isolation in the hilltowns, and the logistical qualm of my husband working full time in a town 20 minutes away taking our one and only car to get there. I am a social creature, and the need for community in real time was gnawing at me. I had just had my second child, and my oldest was 4. The idea to start a diaper service seemed natural as I was washing diapers anyway, and it would connect me with other families with young children and that was something that felt necessary as I was navigating the world of parenting. When I told the idea to my midwives I was greeted with overwhelming excitement and encouragement to do it! We were supported by family to make the move to Northampton and to get some seed money to start a small business.

By the time my baby was about 8 months old I had created the framework for the business, met with business advisors (at the Valley CDC, Mass Business Association, and also grad students from the Isenberg school of Business) and developed a business plan and projections. In time I had insurance, a business certificate, as well as inventory and equipment. By the beginning of 2009 I launched in my basement with just 2 clients! Now almost 5 years later business has moved to a commercial space in Holyoke MA. We became a worker-cooperative and service over 75 diaper & linen clients. Looking back I can remember the ease of things as well as the struggles. I don’t think any small business owner is without either of those. However, as time has gone on I have really valued and appreciated insights from business leaders who share a similar sentiment about family focused, mindful living, best practice business relations and adamant self-care.

I know one of the most important keystones with working at home with children is finding a way to incorporate them and their curiosity and having patience for learning (for yourself too)! Sometimes just finding a small task to make them feel like they are participating and helping (even if it is something you will have to undo later), as long as they are mimicking the type of work you’re doing. Plus they have so many questions! Even taking a few extra minutes to explain what you’re doing and why can satiate their need for connection. 

Creating a routine and rhythm for your work day will help both you and your children’s expectations. Maybe there is a special activity that they do when you’re doing a certain activity. For me it was letting my son scooter in the basement when I was doing the laundry. I would wait to do the majority of my focus work when the little ones napped. This might change as your children grow, and naps are no longer a power block of time to get to the brain work. If you know there are some tasks that don’t require as much focus and attention, save them for when they are present. It gives you the opportunity to show them work ethic and incorporate them if possible.

Set aside specific time each week (or each day) to make progress on your big vision list.  Development is about frequency no matter how small the steps made, as long as you keep chipping away. It takes time to make things happen. It’s not going to be overnight. Put your goals and visions on paper and chart your progress so you truly recognize that it is being made. Pilot businesses start small and work out their kinks and processes as they go along. Then getting into the limelight doesn’t feel meek or meager but bold and beautiful.

Take breaks and be sure to stoke your own fire. Self care is key. This is one of those instances where asking for help is shameless. Finding a mother’s helper or a neighbor to supervise and engage with your little one while you get in your groove, or do something non-work related to enrich your experience. Don’t be shy to ask for help. We are not an island, and people generally feel good when they can offer support, don’t you?

Be involved in your community and build your network of support. The more you tell your story the more people know about what you are doing and your vision. You grow your connections and build validity in your story. It’s actually happening!

This idea of networking with others goes beyond just the local community but with other business owners who do what you do. This could mean a phone call to a similar business, finding a listserve or online forum where stories are told, questions are asked, and support is found.

Take a trip! Visit in person one of these places that models after what you are building (likely best in a non-competitive location). Meeting face to face really builds that connectivity as well as leaves strong lasting impressions for your vision. Ask your questions, get your hands in the work, offer to help, and follow up to keep a lasting relationship. They likely started from an idea too!

There are a lot of unknowns in the process so hold tight to your curiosity, it’s an important virtue in staying motivated and not getting burnt out. Find a mentor, either in person or through literature. Here are some of the resources I treasure:

*Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumers Culture: Radical Homemakers is about men and women across the U.S. who focus on home and hearth as a political and ecological act, and who have centered their lives around family and community for personal fulfillment and cultural change. Reading this book was like hearing my story told! Shannon Hayes

*Manage your Day-to-Day: Build your routine, find your focus & sharpen your creative mind:: edited by Jocelyn K. Glei. An incredible gem of a book that I keep going back to.

*99u.com: insights on making ideas happen.

*Zen Habits: Zen Habits features articles on simplicity, health & fitness, motivation and inspiration, frugality, family life, happiness, goals, getting great things done, and living in the moment. Leo Babauta: http://zenhabits.net/about/  to subscribe.

*The Lioness Group: The Lioness Group is a full-service media relations firm based in Springfield, Massachusetts. Founded by Natasha Clark in 2009 and is the umbrella company of Lioness, the leading digital magazine for female entrepreneurs. www.http://thelionessgroup.com

 

Angie Gregory has been a valley resident for about 5 years after relocating to Western MA from traveling the country. She lives in Northampton with her husband and three kids and is an avid gardener and studies herbal medicine. She has worked in the community fostering projects like Grow Food Northampton, and organizing the Northampton Herbal Meet-up Group. She started Mother Herb Diaper Service out of her home after the birth of her second child. The business is now a cooperative venture and has relocated to Holyoke, MA under the name of Simple Diaper & Linen.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Life Choices, Motherhood, Passionate Lifestyle, Women's Health Tagged With: career, home, Motherhood, parenting, Postpartum Career, Simple Diaper & Linen, Women Owned Businesses, work-life balance

Fear and Punk Rock in Baby-Land (Guest Post)

January 28, 2014 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

Today’s guest post is from one of my favorite people in the world, Jen Hinst-White. She writes about first time motherhood and second time pregnancy and being honest about the process.

I’m a bit of a weirdo—let’s start there—and as far as pregnancy and birth goes, I think I may be freakishly relaxed. I just never feared childbirth. My mom delivered near-nine-pounders with no drugs, no drama; why couldn’t I do the same? When the baby came, I resolved not to be one of those parents who called the pediatrician about the contents and color of every diaper. I wouldn’t sterilize pacifiers; I wouldn’t be a hand-sanitizer militant. And I wasn’t.

But I did have one intense fear—a monster one. As the due date approached, it sprouted fangs and claws. No matter how I tried to disarm it with endless journaling and advice-seeking, it wouldn’t go away. And it felt like my shameful little secret:

I was afraid of motherhood itself.

Older parents, nostalgic, advised me to “Enjoy every minute; it goes so quickly.” But what if I didn’tenjoy it? What would parenthood do to my marriage? To my other dreams and goals? And worst of all: What if I didn’t love my baby? All the seasoned parents laughed at me—“You’ll fall in love the moment you see him.” How did they know? My nine months of pregnancy had deviated from the stereotypes in so many ways. No nausea. No cravings. Slow to “show.” What if the hormone that caused puking and pickle-craving was the very same hormone that supplied maternal instincts?

*         *        *

Four years have passed since that first birth; I am due with my second baby in just a few weeks. And as it all comes around again, I’ve been doing some thinking about fear.

You could argue that I have even more reason to be afraid this time because I know what I’m getting into. Childbirth was hard. Harder than I expected. So were the newborn days. Actually, the whole first year. Actually, parenthood in general. If I could go back in time, I would let my first-time-mama self in on a secret: That nostalgic advice to “enjoy every moment” is, in fact, unfollowable. Babies supply many moments of astonishment and wonder, but for me, those moments arrived in the midst of sore nipples, inconsolable squalling, and queasy exhaustion.

As for that magical delivery-room moment I was promised: It didn’t happen. What I felt when I first held my son was not a romantic rush of la-la-la!, but physical exhaustion mingled with awe and relief. He’s out? He’s safe? Thank God. It was 3:30 in the morning, and after an hour-plus of pushing, he was finally on my chest. Rascal from the start, he’d come into the world facing up instead of down, and we both bore the bruises.

But even without that dreamy postpartum moment, it turned out that the worst part of my fear never came to pass. Yes, motherhood kicked the stuffing out of me, but I loved my baby. True, it was not a swoony, sentimental, budding-romance-in-June kind of love—for all my efforts, he napped poorly and screamed for hours and seemed to be at his most miserable when he was alone at home with me. I started to scour the baby-care books, agonizing over what I was doing wrong; I tried a hundred little adjustments. Very few helped. He did a lot of crying in those early months, and so did I.

But all the same I loved him like mad. It was a punk-rock kind of love: drug-like, dirty, up all night, lots of howling and raw notes, but man, it was strong stuff. I was possessed by it; it was inexhaustible. Even as I grieved the loss of my sleep, my control over my life, my ability to do the most basic things I enjoyed,

his very being was wonderful to me.

And that remains true to this day. We did nothing to earn this love, he and I. And we cannot lose it.

The thing about fear is that it focuses on one desired outcome and says: If we don’t achievethat, if it doesn’t happen this way, if such-and-such should come to pass, then all is lost.

But it isn’t.

*         *        *

So, being a second-time mama, I figured I was pretty free and clear of this fear thing now.

Until a few weeks ago, after an appointment at my midwife’s office, when I found myself crying in the car on the way home.

The midwives had asked me to participate in a survey which included reading over a list of common pregnancy worries and circling those that applied. I circled a few, more amazed at how many I didn’t have. Nope, I’m not worried about genetic abnormalities. No, I’m not worried that I ate sushi in my second trimester. But when I came to the box marked “Other,” I found myself writing something I hadn’t even been aware of:

My first son was an intense baby and I’m afraid this one will be too. I really, really want to enjoy it this time around and I’m so scared I won’t.

Fear of unhappiness—you old nemesis. Back again.

What to do with a fear? I could try to reason with it. Argue with it. Fret over it; talk with someone; pray about it. Or I could sit with it.

I did a little of all of these. And here’s the only response I’ve found satisfying.

If enjoyment hinges on circumstances, then I have every reason to be afraid. Because there’s nothing I can do to produce one of those charmed “easy babies.” This one very well might cry for hours again. He might cry more. Or—though I pray this won’t be the case—he may have physical disabilities or ailments that I never had to face with my first baby (who, for all his fussiness, was strong as a little billy-goat).

And if enjoyment hinges on control, then I have every reason to be afraid, too. Because there’s nothing like a newborn to teach you that your all your plans, precautions and controls are—when it comes down to it—flimsy as newspaper in a storm.

But if enjoyment hinges on a way of being—

on a certain kind of surrender—

on the stubborn insistence that life itself, even in agonizing difficulty, is good—

then I have some hope. Because I’ve clocked four years of mothering that intense newborn. He is now an intense four-year-old: still ferociously hungry, still prone to emotional tempests, still strong-willed—and also a joy. Why? Because he is gleeful and affectionate; makes the craziest faces; asks the coolest, weirdest questions. He’s still pretty punk-rock, he is loved to the moon and back, and it shows.

There’s more to joy, I’m learning, than hopes fulfilled without a hitch. More to joy than things coming easy. Will my second baby be different? I don’t know, but I think I will be.

Dear babies—both of you: Your mama is kind of a weirdo. She is doing an experiment, so let’s be weird together. Let’s hold the plans loosely. Let’s refuse to call difficulty “failure.” Let’s get all punk-rock and refuse to be afraid.

_____________________

Jen Hinst-White recently finished her first novel, Inklings, the story of an aspiring female tattooist in the early 1980s. Her writing has been published in The Common, Good Letters, Big Fiction, Cactus Heart, Print Oriented Bastards, and elsewhere. She holds an MFA from the Bennington Writing Seminars. Her website is jenhinstwhite.com.

 

Filed Under: Body Awareness, Emotional Health, Motherhood, Relationships & Parenting, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health), Women's Health Tagged With: birth, fear, Motherhood, postpartum, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health)

Breast Health In the Media

May 21, 2013 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

Last Tuesday Angelina Jolie graced the Op/Ed pages of the New York Timeswith a highly personal letter about her recent double mastectomy and future health plans. Days later the health world retaliated with all the reasons why a preventative mastectomy even in the face of a high-risk gene pool is a medical risk in and of itself.

The facts and personal stories were flying and it seemed like a lot of people were missing the moment.

I’m a women’s health specialist. I’m not a breast health specialist and certainly not a cancer specialist. On a daily basis I research and treat gynecological disorders and mood disturbances. That is my realm. However, I am an advocate for the voice of women in the health world. Not female doctor’s voices, but the female patient’s voice. And I am an advocate for the appreciation and recognition of the female form as female and beautiful in whatever shapes it takes throughout life.

In my opinion what Angelina Jolie did last Tuesday was far more than reveal that her mother died of cancer and she is worried about her children living without a mother. Angelina Jolie, sex icon of this generation, declared that she had removed both of her breasts in support of her own health. Angelina Jolie’s breasts and body are legendary and to make such a simple statement was a declaration that she would still be a sex icon. She declared publicly that her womanliness was only improved by being a health-conscious woman and mother. I for one believe her.

If we truly believe that women should have preventative surgeries to keep their bodies safe (and I don’t know one way or another if that is the best course of action) we also need to follow up that surgery with the approval and recognition of that decision as sexy and smart. We need to appreciate the new body as female and strong and beautiful.

The argument about whether preventative surgery is the healthiest choice also needs to take into account how much love a woman is capable of giving herself after the surgery. If the surgery leads to shame, self-disgust and a lack of feeling womanly in society then there are repercussions that are not based on surgical mishaps.

Really this argument could be made about numerous procedures that women receive throughout their life. Whether it is a C-section scar, stretch marks from pregnancy, breast augmentation to decrease back pain and so on and so forth.

A woman’s health is her choice and it is impossible to say that every woman with a similar genetic makeup or similar health history should make the same decisions. Our lives are complicated, our finances our complicated, family structures are complicated. Most decisions that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt make together are going to be insanely different than the average family, but some of them may be quite similar.

The medical field needs to advocate for the innate intelligence and therefore voice of each woman and each family. Whatever decision is made should be acknowledged and respected by society at large.

There is not enough evidence to show if healthy eating, exercise, and living mindfully while having high-risk genes can increase or decrease your risk of developing cancer in your lifetime. We just don’t know enough about a healthy lifestyle to be deterring or scaring women away from trying to prevent cancer in anyway they feel is right and manageable for their body.

Whatever a woman’s decision is, I for one really appreciate Angelina Jolie’s voice on the subject and the unspoken message that knowledge is sexy, taking control of your health is sexy and a healthy body in any form is sexy!

Image credit: magicinfoto / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: Body Awareness, Health & Wellness, Life Choices, Motherhood, Women's Health Tagged With: breast health, cancer, self worth, Self-care, women's health

Postpartum Care: The First Year of Possibility

April 23, 2013 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

This blog post is not just written to expecting mothers. This post is directed to everyone as postpartum care drastically changes people’s lives. This post is a means of educating people that the first few weeks after birth are not the only time new families need assistance. Really the continued need for community is through the whole first year. If you know of new families in your inner circles, check in as often as possible and be a breath of fresh air and strength.

When the postpartum period is treasured with the patience, diligence and nourishment it deserves, women have the capacity to overcome chronic ailments and redirect their personal health. The time after birth is one of those amazing moments in life when we are capable of unparalleled recovery. I seek to empower women to be as thoughtful of the first postpartum year as they are of their pregnancies. Wonderful things will happen!

My practice is mostly women. It is no secret that my persona and my interests align well with women’s health. But the ailment I treat most often is postpartum depletion in women of all ages. I’m not just treating new mothers—I am treating women who never fully recovered from the initial stages of motherhood.

Birth to Six Weeks

Very often when we think about postpartum health we think about the first six weeks. The new mother needs to stop bleeding, heal the pelvic floor and vaginal canal and/or allow stiches to heal from a C-section. The new mother needs to learn how to eat enough to nurse a hungry baby and how to nurse every few hours during the day and night.

These first six weeks can be hallmarked with night delusions, brain fog, constipation, muscle cramps, extreme exhaustion, pain and unexpected weakness.

Six Weeks to Three Months

A bit of a settling into a routine comes during this period as family and baby become more comfortable with each other. The mother is becoming increasingly independent and support systems begin to wilt away. The diligent self-care may begin falling by the way-side. These next six weeks may show more frustration, irritability, urinary issues, sleep issues (unrelated to baby), low libido, poor memory, loss of appetite, decrease in will power.

Three Months to Six Months

The longevity of nursing and shortened sleep as the baby grows older and more active is a significant drain on the resources of even a healthy, well-rested mother. If the support is not continued, if a good diet and exercise and social network are lacking even slightly the body may begin to move into depletion mode. This is a common point for women to return to work and for all sorts of new health issues for the mother to arise. Symptoms at this point will always go in the order of the mother’s weakness. Whatever her personal health history includes may now come back and rear its ugly head. This is when depression, anxiety and chronic low energy become unavoidable.

Six Months to One Year

Society’s expectation is the mother is fully back to work, highly functioning and eagerly back in her romantic relationship. This perfect picture may not take into account body changes, continued low energy, new or old sleep challenges and a still recovering body. Women who have really taken care of themselves throughout the first year may be feeling the strongest of their whole lives as nursing slows or ends. Women who have struggled with poor sleep, colicky babies or who are simply working too hard will begin to reach the limits of continuing without change.

Summary

Similar to an injury, we only get one chance to recover from childbirth. If we postpone it like credit card debt, it will wait patiently for us and gently accumulate interest. It will show up in weird symptoms like migraines, painful periods, digestive issues, memory problems, back pain, depression or anxiety, extreme anger or lack of will power and it will persist. I treat post-menopausal women who are really recovering from issues they’ve had since giving birth 20 or 30 years earlier and I treat a lot of women with little ones at home who just can’t continue being sturdy mothers without some assistance.

Postpartum recovery is one of my favorite things to treat because I get to fully mother the mother. I remind them they don’t have to worry about their kids for a whole hour (whether their kids are 2 months old or 40 years old). The recovery of a mother determined to get healthy is usually rapid and exciting. It is so much fun to see.

 

Image credit: pimonova / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: Body Awareness, Motherhood, Relationships & Parenting, The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health), Women's Health Tagged With: depression, postpartum depression, Postpartum health, pregnancy, recovery, rest, Self-care, women's health

Prenatal Massage (Guest Post)

April 8, 2013 By Courtney Hill 1 Comment

Guest Post from local Massage Therapist Jo Bunny.

23825999_sPregnancy is a wonderful, magical event! However for many women, the changes in a woman’s body during pregnancy can produce some unpleasant side effects, such as swelling (edema) in the legs, nerve pain (sciatica) in the hips or legs, anxiety and stress, and muscular tension throughout the body. Massage can improve the overall prenatal health for many pregnant women. Massage therapy can be incorporated into routine prenatal care as a supplement to emotional and physical health. Prenatal massage improves pregnancy outcomes, the health of the mother and the health of the child.

Prenatal massage shares many of the goals of regular massage – to release tense muscles, improve circulation, increase mobility and joint functioning, and to just make you feel good. But it’s also tailored specifically to the needs of pregnant women and their changing bodies. Therapists trained in prenatal massage adjust their techniques accordingly.

Research indicates that massage therapy performed during pregnancy can reduce stress and anxiety, decrease symptoms of depression, increase circulation, decrease swelling in the limbs, and relieve muscle aches and joint pain throughout the body. By applying a variety of techniques, a massage therapist can address the specific needs of the pregnant woman. Swedish Massage is the recommended style of massage method used during pregnancy because it addresses discomforts often associated with the changes in the body brought on by hormone shifts during pregnancy. Swedish massage aims to enhance relaxation by reducing muscle tension, improve circulation in the body, and increase the lymphatic flow in the body (which assists in removing toxins and metabolic waste from the tissues).

During pregnancy, the hormone Relaxin causes the ligaments in the body to relax. This causes instability in the joints and changes in posture, thus putting pressure on nerves. The pelvis tilts forward, shoulders drop, the neck becomes strained, and mobility is compromised. Added to the increasing weight of the baby and the uterus, this can cause aches and pains in muscles and joints. Many women experience sciatica, or nerve pain in the hips and legs. Massage can help relax the muscles, reduce inflammation, and soften tight muscles to relieve the tension held in joints, thus relieving nerve pain.

Edema, or swelling in the tissues, is a common occurrence in pregnancy. It is often caused by reduced circulation and an increase of pressure on the major blood vessels in the pelvis. As the uterus expands, it puts pressure on the major blood vessels, muscles, and nerves in the pelvis. Circulation in the lower limbs becomes restricted and fluids collect in the tissues. Massage can help to remove the fluid and the tissue waste by stimulating the flow of circulation in the body.

Women who receive regular prenatal massage sessions will often notice a decrease in anxiety, stress, and depression. Research done over the past 15 years has shown that massage can alter hormone levels associated with stress and relaxation. Stress hormones, such as cortisol and norepinephrine are reduced and levels of dopamine and serotonin are increased. These changes in hormone levels can lead to fewer complications during birth, can improve the overall health of the woman during pregnancy, and can help to provide a better outcome for the newborn.

The most comfortable position for pregnant women during massage (and the one most recommended by professionals) is side-lying in which the head, chest, and leg are supported by pillows. Most pregnant women find this is the same position in which they sleep at night. Tables or body pillows that have cut-outs for the uterus and breasts do not fit every woman’s body-shape and can still apply pressure to the abdomen. Ask your prenatal massage therapist before your first appointment to find out which position they place their clients in during the massage session. Also, communicate with your therapist if you feel discomfort at any time during the massage session. Whether it’s needing lighter pressure or a change in the room temperature, your comfort during the massage is most important.

It is important to seek a massage therapist who is trained specifically in prenatal massage. While many massage schools teach massage therapy for pregnant women, it is recommend that you find a massage therapist who is certified in prenatal massage.

You should consult with your OB-GYN or midwife before beginning any new therapeutic treatment. Some prenatal massage therapists will require a written note or letter from your midwife or obstetrician. Your prenatal massage therapist will have you complete a detailed health questionnaire and will discuss with you any concerns that you may have regarding prenatal massage. Prenatal massage is NOT recommended if you have any serious complications to the pregnancy (such as pre-eclamsia, high risk pregnancy, high blood pressure, or severe and sudden swelling during the pregnancy).

Make the most of your pregnancy! Receiving regular massage sessions during pregnancy can assist to alleviate a lot of the unwanted symptoms of pregnancy and can help you have a happier, healthier pregnancy and delivery. Pregnancy is a wonderful event and prenatal massage can be a well deserving compliment to this joyful time in your life!

Jo Bunny has been a Massage Therapist since 1996. Jo received her prenatal & postnatalmassage training from Kate Jordan, one of the leading experts in pregnancy massage in the US and trained as a doula through Doulas of North America in 2000. Trained in Swedish Massage techniques for relaxation and stress reduction, Jo also incorporates therapeutic deep tissue work (such as myofascial release techniques and trigger point therapy) into her massage. Jo draws from her extensive education in massage and bodywork to create a massage that is as unique & individual as her clients’ needs. Jo’s office is located in downtown Northampton. Contact Jo Bunny at (413) 320 7690 or jobunny@comcast.net. You can also “like” her page on Facebook at www.facebook.com/jobunnymassage

Copyright: fineart / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health), Women's Health Tagged With: massage, pregnancy, prenatal care, prenatal massage

Female Intuition During the Cycle: G-Y-N Post #6

December 12, 2012 By Courtney Hill Leave a Comment

First of all, thank you for letting me come into your world for six weeks and talk about periods. I certainly enjoyed it and I hope you learned something.16005326_s

Today I want to talk about my theories about the emotional, psychological, and philosophical side of the cycle. What do the behavior changes throughout the month mean and why might your cycle be offering out helpful information.

These are my theories from years of keeping a vast network of female friends all of whom are very in touch with their bodies. See what resonates with your body and what doesn’t.

About four years ago I realized I have a significant mind shift with ovulation. Right before ovulation I have two or three days of fuzziness. I become very affectionate, full of love, happy, easy-going and a little sleepy. And then I wake up on the morning of ovulation and I turn into a soldier. I became highly rational, clear headed and certain. Every month the checkbook comes out and I re-organize our finances. I make up a new payment strategy on how to pay off my student loans and I decide to cut back on expenses. I also clean the house from top to bottom. I very often do three or four loads of laundry in one day. Everything goes back in order. If you haven’t realized it yet, I’m nesting.

Our bodies, as menstruating women are designed to get pregnant and prepare our world for carrying a baby. Every month if you allow yourself to notice, there are little preparations that happen.

First Week

I find the bleeding cycle to be a rather irresponsible time of the cycle. I eat poorly. I rest a lot. I try to get out of social engagements. I give in to laziness more than usual. Our bodies think they have very little at stake during our bleeding period. In Chinese Medicine we know that this is actually a very vulnerable point in the cycle and women should be protected from strong wind, cold and dampening foods that weaken the Spleen or Liver.

Second Week

This is the euphoric time of the cycle. Our bodies are meant to be vital, attractive, juicy and fertile. We want to be social and soft around the edges. We have enough energy to take care of ourselves and make good decisions. We are usually clear-headed and content. Ideally there is an increase in libido and a higher awareness of your partner’s attractiveness or of everyone’s attractiveness.

Third Week

Post ovulation the body goes into protective mood. It becomes more efficient about how you spend your energy. The body wants you to take control of your life. Getting finances in order, cleaning the house, paying more attention to details and planning for the future are very characteristic of this time of the month. Sometimes I think the irritability from this week is a desire to organize but without the support or encouragement. Instead we get grumpy and resentful and feel out of control of our lives.

Fourth Week

I’ve heard countless women complain about partners the week before the period and before my husband and I got married we would fight about commitment every month before I would bleed. The body now is working under the assumption that it is in fact pregnant and if the other person in the house isn’t filling all the needs of the “pregnant” woman they need to get out. I find I am most decisive about all the people in my life and all the commitments in my life right before I bleed. This week can really be a cleansing and prioritizing time if you let it. For those of you in committed relationships be open to the suggestions and brutal honesty that presents itself at this time (ie don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater). There is usually useful information that can be integrated rationally through the rest of the month. If changes need to be made be careful to get things moving before you bleed because as soon as the blood starts the rose-colored glasses come back on and everything just seems fine enough.

I’m sure I’m not the only woman out there who has a weird post-ovulation pattern. What have you noticed? Write in to share and help empower women to notice the little ways they are taking care of themselves and their families (or future families) every month.

Other posts in this series

Intro Post: G-Y-N

Week One: PMS

Week Two: Blood

Week Three: Duration and Frequency

Week Four: Cramps

Week Five: Temperature

Week Six: Female Intuition During the Cycle

 

Image credit: glopphy / 123RF Stock Photo

Filed Under: The Birthing Year (Pre and Postnatal Health), Women's Health Tagged With: charting, Emotions, female intuition, fertility, GYN, menstrual cycle, periods, Self-care

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Courtney Hill, Owner
Window of Heaven Acupuncture & Yoga
Northampton, MA
413-303-1246